The Dark Side of “Good Vibes Only”: Understanding Toxic Positivity
- Betty Chatzipli
- Dec 22, 2024
- 3 min read
Updated: 2 days ago
We’ve all heard it before: “Just look on the bright side!” or “Everything happens for a reason!” These phrases, while well-meaning, often land like a slap to the soul when you’re struggling. That’s the thing about toxic positivity—it’s positivity stripped of its compassion, leaving you feeling unheard, invalidated, and, ironically, worse than before.
So, what exactly is toxic positivity, and why is it such a problem? Let’s unpack it together.
What Is Toxic Positivity?
Toxic positivity is the overgeneralisation of a happy, optimistic state across all situations. It’s a kind of forced cheerfulness that dismisses the complexities of emotions and the messy, nuanced nature of being human. Think of it as the Instagram filter of emotional support—glossy on the surface but fake underneath.
The trouble begins when positivity becomes an obligation rather than a choice. Feeling down? Smile! Life falling apart? Be grateful! While positivity can uplift us, weaponising it denies us the space to acknowledge, process, and grow from our negative emotions.
Toxic positivity is forced, false positivity. It may sound innocuous on the surface but when you share something difficult with someone and they insist that you turn it into a positive, what they are really saying is, ‘My comfort is more important than your reality’. – Susan David
The Cost of Ignoring Real Feelings
Let’s get real—life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes it’s messy, heartbreaking, or just downright exhausting. Pretending otherwise doesn’t make the bad stuff go away. In fact, suppressing emotions can have serious consequences, including:
Emotional Disconnection
When we push away difficult feelings, we disconnect from ourselves and others. Authenticity is lost, leaving us isolated with our pain.
Burnout
Maintaining a constant state of “good vibes” is exhausting. It’s okay to admit you’re not okay.
Shame
Feeling sad, angry, or anxious is not a failure, but toxic positivity can make you believe it is.
How to Spot Toxic Positivity
It can be sneaky, slipping into everyday conversations or even internal dialogues. Here are a few signs to look out for:
Dismissive Responses
“Oh, don’t be so negative. It could be worse!”
Unsolicited Advice
“You just need to focus on the good things in life.”
Self-Blame
“If I were stronger, I wouldn’t feel this way.”
Sound familiar? The antidote lies in practicing something even more powerful than positivity—empathy.
Choosing Empathy Over Empty Positivity
Empathy acknowledges the full spectrum of human emotion. It says, “I hear you. I see you. It’s okay to feel this way.” It’s about meeting people where they are, not where you think they should be.
The next time someone opens up to you, try these responses instead:
“That sounds really hard. How can I support you?” “It’s okay to feel upset. I’m here to listen.” “You’re not alone in this.”
What You Can Do Instead
If you find yourself reaching for a “good vibes only” response—whether for yourself or someone else—pause. Here’s what to do instead:
Validate the Emotion: “It’s okay to feel this way.”
Sit with Discomfort: Allow yourself (or others) to experience difficult feelings without judgment.
Seek Balance: Positivity is great, but only when it’s balanced with authenticity and honesty.
The Bright Side of Being Real
True positivity isn’t about avoiding pain; it’s about finding hope through it. When we acknowledge our struggles, we create space for healing and connection. Life is richer—and yes, even more joyful—when we embrace it in its entirety, imperfections and all.
So, let’s retire the “good vibes only” mantra. Instead, let’s try something more real: “All vibes welcome.” Because being human means feeling it all—and that’s perfectly okay.
Watch: False Positive Emotions, by Susan David
References
Originally Published in Emotiquo
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